Priests Across The Globe Ordered To Use Squirt Guns To Deliver Holy Water To Parishioners – Indefinitely

With the COVID-19 virus spreading like a fucking rash on a two dollar Tijuana lady of the night, priests have had to resort to some unconventional methods in order to douse their parishioners with holy water.

The most popular method of keeping up with social distancing rules – while still wetting followers with holy water, is the use of a squirt gun. This method has become so popular, that all priests across the globe have been ordered by the Pope to use squirt guns and only squirt guns moving forward.

We caught up with the all holy Father Phil from St. John’s Catholic Church in Winslow, Maine – and this is what he had to say about the policy.

How do I feel about using a squirt gun to administer holy water to my people? I think its totally dope (that’s how the kids in youth group would say it). We sure do have a dope pope! I tried using a squirt gun a few Sunday masses ago and I have to admit, I was hooked from the very first time I pulled that trigger. I only have a tiny little .380 squirt gun, but I know a few fellow fathers that have some big guns! One uses a .40 caliber and Father Tony up in Syracuse uses one of the Super Soaker guns – crazy right! He has all his followers line up against the back of the church and then and counts down from 3 and blast them all with a powerful, wet punch of Jesus love. Sometimes, he counts down from 3 and starts shooting when he gets to one instead of zero. He’s really a silly goose.